Between the Rainstorm and the Rainbow
I’m currently in a space that’s between the rainstorm and the rainbow.
I look on the past sometimes with such disdain, and a deep, penetrating sadness. The things that have happened to me through no fault of my own, and the things I orchestrated through decisions of my own both get met with the same sinking feeling of despair. Not all of it was bad, but it’s hard to see that with the cloud of trauma hanging in the rear view mirror.
There are things that I have seen about people in my life around me, and I know that the only way for people to actually take their positions in my life is for me to actually believe that it is safe to let people in. It is a terrifying concept to let the people that I know are integral players in my story even know that they’re in the book at all. Then, to make myself vulnerable enough to show my true, unadulterated self?! For a person that deeply desires companionship and partnership, it is terrifying to give people the opportunity to see the actual me.
I look ahead, though, and see the rainbow. The wish fulfillment. The reminder that God will never take me through anything like that again. The vision. The reflection of my highest self in the physical world. The physical manifestation of my prayers, petitions, and process, with the ground it stands on watered by the tears that I have already shed.
I am in the in-between.
Influenced by my trauma. Inspired by the possibility.
Over my left side, despair.
Over my right? Destiny.
I cannot go back there.
I do not know how I’m going to get there.
All I do know? I have to keep moving.
